More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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