she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
