i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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