I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
