This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
