if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize