All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
