i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
