im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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