only if we run a train.
done.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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