I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
