i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
