If that was your dad, he is hot
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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