Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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