I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
