There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm passing your future prison.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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