Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize