can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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