We won't sleep together?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
