when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
