He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
