You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
