matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
