I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize