Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He better not be in your backpack
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
