the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
