You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
