I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
