Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
