life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
