you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You left your phone here
Wait...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
