she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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