Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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