Got a toothbrush?
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
