Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
