Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
