he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
