dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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