I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
