Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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