I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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