dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drunk walkin through police station. America
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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