xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
