I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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