I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
