If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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