In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize