the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
