I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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