wanna go halves on a baby?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
