you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
