i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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