who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No subtext here. People are naked.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need water and some morals
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
