the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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