Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
