Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
