I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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