remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
