That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
